COMING CLEAN DAY.




Yeap, today is coming clean day. Not clean as in physically, nor am I heading anywhere in particular. I'm just gonna be true to myself, and spill the beans to whom ever is concern. I'm gonna take a risk that might just take my worthless and wretched life away. Not that anyone would be able to kill me. But then, its all part of today's plan. To unveal few of my darkest secrets and thus bring relief to my soul that I no longer need to bare the secrets alone anymore.

I would no longer have problems sleeping in the night like last night and the nights before. As my mind spoke to me of all the things I've been keeping deep and thrown behind my mind. Things that I've struggled to keep a hush up about. Things that might cause people to view me with a different way. But all that would not matter to me, for I would finally find peace.

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I still remembered that day like it was. Stepping into the room and first thing that caught my eyes was that lady behind that keyboard. It was the second round of auditions for choir. Never thought I would get in through the first round of auditions in the first place. I've been thinking about how am I going to manage my time. I'd need alot of time management to balance basketball and choir as my 2 CCA's the dates crash. Alot of consideration to take into too.

Thinking of the pros and cons, I know I wanna sing. I've always been singing in the bathroom. Singing with my desktop playing songs. Singing like as if there was no one around me. This chance to get into choir, might be a chance to allow me to sing better. Singing has become a part of my life thus far.

And also, I might be able to see her some day in SYF or some exchange. She had been in choir in Primary School. No surprise that she would still take up choir as her CCA in Secondary School now. It is a chance that I'm willing to take.

Not to forget that I made my stand back in the music room in the first round of auditions. That guy was pretty welcoming, I bet he has to be some senior from choir too. Maybe I could pick up piano/keyboard skills in choir too. Had always wanted to learn how to play an intrument. Recorder couldn't be considered as one to me. I suck at it anyway.

January 2006.

....

I'm still looking out for her in the bus. Looking and looking. Hoping that I might actually get a glance of her at least. I know she takes the same bus home as me. But as we are from different schools. Its all random chances should I get to see her on the bus.

January 2006.

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Every night since that day I did my mistake, had been unbearable for me. Always reflecting on my choice. And feeling all so down. I regret it. I regret for being so dumb and stupid. Why? Why had I choose to take that step. Why had I chose to tell her that. I hate myself for not even thinking through it all before I make my deciscion. Its all her fault. Now I'm stuck here, and not moving anymore.

October-December 2006.

I'm going to have to forget all these. Its suffocating me. How I wish that nothing had ever happened. That I had not did all those stupid and dumb things that would cause me pain and regret till today.

January 2007

....

It's over now. I know it is just the beginning of ending it. But I'm sure it will pass. Time will cover up all these. And some day, it would be as if nothing has ever happened. Nobody would bring it up as it was just a tiny scratch imprinted on their memories. No one would speak of the time when I made my mistakes and regrets.

January 2007

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