COlD CONER
True love
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

Man in hospital bed
A man lying in a hospital bed when the doctor walks in
"Mr. smith, I have some good news & bad news,which would you like first?"
"I'll have the bad news first" he replied "we had to amputate both of your legs"
"oh no, oh lord-give me the good news" the man exclaimed"
well the good news is the man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"

A recently graduated man and woman were working to-gather in an office,
where the young man was very much attracted to the girl and formed a crush.
He extracted some preliminary information from the girl and knew which street the girl was living. But he did not know exact house number. He was not able to curb his desire to see her over weekend and thought of going to the girls' home and surprises her as 'I was in the neighborhood" excuse to meet her. He saw a gentleman near her home.
He asked him, "Could you please tell me where Simran Chopra lives around here?"
The gentleman inquired, "May I please know why you want to see her?"
The boy presented excuse, "Well, I have some important business with her. I am her brother."
The guy expressed amazement, "I see! But I insist you tell me what business you have with her, because I am her father."

STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:
1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits.
2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.
3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.
4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.
5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.
6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.

Comparing men and women

NICKNAMES -- If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT -- When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY -- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS -- A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS -- A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS -- Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE -- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS -- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE -- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP -- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

NATURAL -- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING -- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Two Snakes
Two snakes are slithering down the sidewalk.One says to the other, “Hey, are we poisonous?” The other says, “I don't know, why?” The first snake says, “Because I just bit my lip.”

IDIOTS PLEASE STAND UP
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Credits to WuMing!!! Thnx alot, bro!!!